artist growing

why you shouldn't go out with old boyfriends

on thursday, i went out to drinks with dave. dave and i dated for the equivalent of fall semester last year. we broke up in january because he was still in love with his ex-girlfriend and he wanted to get back together with her. it hurt, but i knew that that relationship was not a long term one.

i like dave and missed his friendship. we got along well and i was sad that he didn't want to return my phone calls or see me anymore when our friends got together. finally, we made plans to have drinks at the bitter end pub.

i got there a little early and started drawing the folks in the pub. dave joined me a little later. he drank pabst and i drank whiskey-sodas. we talked and i think that he still wants to be with me. it's hard because i miss being with him so much, but he's so clearly not available. he's still moving around his ex-girlfiend. i showed him my latest drawings and he liked them. we discussed whether i could draw him promotional posters for his band.

dave drove me home and now i miss him badly. that's why you shouldn't go out with exes.

oh, crap....

my house is having major sewer problems. for some reason, our sewer line went from our house to the neighboring property (instead of to the street). the folks at the neighboring property have done some major renovations on the building and sealed off our sewer line, which led to massive yuckiness in our basement. we pretty much can't use the plumbing at home. 

fred and i have been staying at our friend luke's house. luke and his wife are in the middle of some personal drama and are never home.  it is sort of fun, like a vacation, to stay at someone's house without them there. you cook with their food and you sleep in their beds. you listen to their music and read their books, curled up on their couches and drinking their tea. you sort of feel a little invisible. . .

this morning, fred, john (another houseguest), deebs (a friend), and i made breakfast from whatever random food we found in the refridgerator. so much food had gone bad, that it almost felt like we were doing luke a favor by eating food before it rotted.

hopefully, my house will re-gain its beautiful plumbing and i'll be able to stay there soon. in the meanwhile, i feel a little bit homeless....

sitting at someone else's desk

you learn a ton about a person when you sit at her desk, substituting for her presence in an office. you learn that she's either much shorter than you or doesn't mind the desk drawer squishing her thighs when she's typing. you learn that she probably has carpal tunnel syndrome from the weird way that she keeps her non-ergonomic keyboard. you figure that she hates computers and that she probably sometimes thinks that her computer hates her.  her contact system database does not exploit the virtues of a database. it isn't organized in anyway that you can fathom.

you realize that she is probably a little flaky when her co-workers wave their hands around when trying to explain the baffling filing system. you have a hunch that she's been the office manager for a long time and you feel validated when you see a paperweight honoring her 10 years of service.

somehow, you figure that she's your mother's age and that she has kids that are your age. you don't know where you came up with that conclusion. none of the people on the photograph-printed mousepad look how you imagine her to look. you tentatively hypothesize that the image is of her children and grandchildren at a christmas party last year or maybe the year before. maybe that is her in the red dress off to the one side of the image. she's smiling broadly, proudly. 

her office doesn't have much decoration, aside from a pastel watercolored painting of rowhouses on a waterway and a needlepoint "painting" of tulips. she's got some plants and an office fountain that isn't plugged in. you figure that she's a soft, warm lady with somewhat (but not exceptionally) liberal politics. you don't know why. she likes to laugh; she's got a book of jokes about scandinavians and her friends send silly (and sometimes naughty) jokes to her work email account.

her voice is probably similar to yours--- some folks mix you up when you answer the phone. she seems well-liked; you get asked several times a day when she'll return. she likes pizza. she sometimes eats at subway. you hope she's having fun in texas. you hope she feels well appreciated at work. you hope she's happy...

temp job: suicide conference

i've been working at a conference for suicide prevention for the last few days. i'm registering folks, but there hasn't been too much stuff going on at the tables that i've worked. today, i manned the "speaker ready room" where i registered speakers for the conference and assisted them with reviewing their powerpoint presentations. while waiting for people to show up, i've written tons in my journal and folded lots of origami cranes. i peeled the acrylic paint off my fingers from last night's wonderful session.  i learned the basics of powerpoint, which i'd never used before. i'd even learned a bit about suicide prevention concepts, as gleaned from folks'  powerpoint presentions.

for example, i didn't know that suicide has been in the top ten causes of death since 1975 or the unexpected prevalance of elderly suicide, particularly for men. i felt so proud of all the researchers who were sharing their work with each other so that they could save lives. i asked all the presenters questions about how factors related and the prescriptive techniques thereby indicated. i must have made a good  impression on folks as one of the researchers offered me a job at her epidemiology agency. i'm going to bring her my resume tomorrow. who knows?

it's my party. . .

last night was my tropical party. i told the guests to come starting around 8pm. at 6, fred and i went to grocery stores and liquor stores stocking up on rum, vodka, juice, and fruit. we came home at 7pm and started cleaning and prepping some of the food. at half past 8, fred left to get a friend from the airport. i stayed at home getting everything else ready.

an hour later, i had myself a drink and was listening to loud david byrne music. i played with my cat, bunk. he was my only party guest and he wasn't even human. . . still, i'd promised myself a grand time. i dipped veggies and ate chips and salsa. i enjoyed my drink and my company.

a little while later, fred came back to the house with jessie. by 10pm some folks came over. my friends showed up around 11 or so. we had so much fun. i was so happy to see each person when they walked in the door. we talked and drank till 2.  we even set off firecrackers and sparklers (because it isn't really a party unless something explodes).  we ran out of beer, rum, and vodka. we ran out of guacamole, dip, and veggies. we still have some juice left.  fun times....

best cat game ever

i discovered the best cat game. you go outside with your kitty on a beautiful sunny, breezy day. you blow bubbles and watch your cat pounce on them. he gets confused. he tries to sneak up on the ones that are caught, still shimmery, on the grass. he leaps high when the breeze catches the bubbles and lifts them up... it made me laugh out loud.

also, today, i drew the shadows that intersected with the sidewalk in front of my house. shadows are interesting and very mobile (on a breezy day). i felt like i was trying to capture them, getting them to stay in my lines.

day of overwhelming men

yesterday, i woke up and felt a bit out-of-sorts. my coffee-tending on monday and tuesday had worn out my supply of adrenaline and i felt worn out and sensitive. i looked forward to a day of relaxation and recovery.

i called my cousin jason and we made a plan to have lunch together. now jason is a man's man. he practically oozes a certain masculine machismo... we ate lunch at gravy and he talked on about his job and its frustrations. it was wonderful to see him, but i felt a little drained and overwhelmed afterwards.

when i got home, my friend drew called and wanted to hang out with me. we drove down to mississippi and ran some errands. i finally explored the light bulb store on shaver. i had no idea there was such a variety of light bulbs or that a business could survive just by selling them. drew announced that his car was behaving "funny". i suggested that he drive me home and then call the mechanic. instead, drew drove a few miles to a bank and then parked the car in horror of its mechanical failures. i waited with him for AAA and for his wife. i had to find my own way home. when i got there, i felt even more drained and overwhelmed.

dave picked me up to go to see "the incredibles" at laurelhurst theater. we haven't hung out that much since we broke up a month or so ago. it was okay, but we were both pretty subdued. i was a bit sensitive- every flash and bang on the screen had me jumping in my seat. i'm glad i didn't go to a more violent film...

when i got home, my housemates and i stood chatting on the back porch. we headed to yorgo's, our neighborhood bar round the corner. we stayed drinking beer and playing pool until the bar closed. the whole time we were there, men kept coming up to our group to talk and to challenge us to games. they mostly were just hitting on me. i felt overwhelmed by all the attention. my housemates teased me about how they felt so protective of me, but confident in my ability to take care of myself.

coffee job, part 2

i got a call this morning asking if i'd be available to come in to be the coffee person at miller nash. i agreed and arrived at work (sans shower) just 45 minutes later. not bad, considering that 20 of those minutes was on the bus.  i made 50 more canisters of coffee and distributed them through out the office. i  greeted everyone with a bright grin and felt so in control. i even ordered lunch for 2 different groups of people.

all day, i felt a bit like i was an imposter, a make-believe corporate event planner. when i cleared the one lunch, i prepared myself a big plate of leftovers, before distributing the food to everyone else. i even scrounged a piece of decadant chocolate fudge cake off a dish. i haven't scrounged since being a poor reedie. it was fun (and tasty).

tommorrow, i get to go back for more coffee madness. meanwhile, i cuddle with my new kitty. we named him "rest easy nighttime" or nyquil, for short.  he is beautiful and fluffy and could be
mistaken for a couch cushion, if he didn't sneeze quite so much.

last day for coffee

today was my last day temping at the miller-nash law firm. it was pretty busy; i had to set up for 4 breakfasts that all happened about the same time. despite more to do, i was actually much more efficient today. it took me that long to get used to the best ways to arrange my coffee-carting.

it was so gorgeously foggy this morning. when i got to the corner lounge on the 36th floor, the view outside was a blank whiteness. i sat at the window watching for anything, but i couldn't even see air movements. i liked the way the whole world had disappeared. it felt a little lonely, too, like a princess locked in a tall tower in a fairytale.

i'm so glad that i'm not going to be working there anymore. it takes a lot of energy to be so self-directed and so invisible all day. . .

holiday resolutions

i'm going home tonight. i'm going to see the lovely folks and bake so many cookies and decorate the house and giggle until all hours. i'm going to eat so much delicious food and sing so many songs. i'm going to wash dishes and remember my grandmother. i'm going to play with the dogs. i'm going to see my brothers and my sisters and my parents. i'm going to sleep on the plane and take lots of photographs.

i'm going to feel out of place and feel deeply rooted. i'm going to feel so well loved. i'm going to pray over the food. i'm going to clean the house. i'm going to call my friends. i'm going to feel so pretty.  i'm going to borrow  my youngest sister's clothes. i'm going to go to listen to music with my oldest sister. i'm going to listen to my youngest brother's band's songs. i'm going to listen to my oldest brother's stories. i'm going to support my mother and my father.

i'm going to sleep in my old bed or on a couch. i'm going to watch scary horror movies that my brothers persuade me to watch. i'm going to wrap up the presents so prettily and unwrap them so daintily. i'm going to hug and kiss dozens of relatives. i'm going to tell the same stories over and over. i'm going to see snow. i'm going to miss my old dog (the best dog ever), brandy.

i'm going to ride in the car with my youngest sister and i'll feel old. i'm going to see the changes in my town and in my family's house. i'm going to watch football games and play video games. i'm going to make my grandmother's mushroom soup. i'm going to sip tea and chat past midnight. i'm going to meditate with my mother and sisters in a candlelit room. i'm going to celebrate christmas. i'm going to celebrate the old traditions and feel new with the new ways we have of celebrating. i'm going to spend time in my sister's house.

i'm going to be comforted. i'm going to meet my cousin's little baby. i'm going to welcome my other cousin's bride in to the family. i'm going to see so many people. i'm going to miss them even more.

i'm going to be compared with my mother, my sisters, and my grandmothers in my appearance. i'm going to miss my friends in portland. i'm going to be patient in explaining that i have no idea what i'm doing with my life. i'm going to blush when they ask me about dating.

i'm going to deal with the phone company and the student loans. i'm going to send my temp agency my timesheets. i'm going to be on top of all that what-not. i'm going to resolve to have even more fun next year. i'm going to resolve to give up even more of the most "precious" things in my life. i'm going to eat herring and drink champagne. i'm going to make my grandmother's pierogies and the santa apples. i'm going to feel so happy to be in their company.

i'm going to go to church and i'm going to see the pageant, even though none of my siblings or cousins will be in it. we're going to complain about it on the way home. i'm going to be impatient while waiting for my brother to wake up for christmas gifting. i'm going to be nervous that my family appreciates their gifts. i'm going to feel so much love for my family. i'm going to be back in 2 weeks or so. . .